4 Months – Life with Ellen

Simply wonderful.

She is a dream. Bones and I can’t believe how lucky we are with her. We are both so in love. Some people say that having a child can drift the parents apart, for us it has brought us closer. Bones & I are quite stubborn people so working together is somewhat of a challenge, with Ellen we are on the same page even when we disagree.

Breastfeeding has just not worked out for us. When she was born my breasts were too big for her mouth, so I pumped and tried to use a shield. That worked, my milk production went up then it came crashing down. So I tried some milk producing teas, and pumped like mad, got my milk production back up, got her off the shield and felt like the natural mama I wanted to be. I had a few weeks of breastfeeding bliss when my production once again went down. On to the pills, my production came back but Ellen was frustrated with the boob by this point so I pumped, once again I dried up. At this point I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was rejection like I had never felt before having her scream at the boob and each time I dried up I felt it was a personal failure.

My lowest point as a mom sounded something like this, ‘ I couldn’t get pregnant on my own, then my body wasn’t a good home for her anymore so I had to be induced, now I can’t even feed her’, said with the crying of a mom who is exhausted and feeling very guilty.

Thankfully I was able to move on, she is such a terrific baby and some of that has to do with my parenting.....right?!?

This little girl hates her car seat, hates her stroller so we carry her. This has brought on a carrier obsession. I have a stretchy wrap, great for when she was a newborn as it pulled her in so close, a pouch sling for the pool, a ring sling for when I am running errands and I loved Bones’ Mei Tai carrier so much that I ordered one for myself. My shoe obsession has been successfully transferred! Ellen loves being worn around.

In 4 months she has grown 5.5 inches and gained 7lbs 4oz, 2 teeth are coming in, she has been on a plane, gone on a long road trip, been to a wine tasting, (unfortunately there was not milk tastings going on for her), and fed a giraffe. She has taken all of this in stride.

Ellen has a few nicknames, Gussy Fussbucket for those days she decides that laid back is not the way to go, the 24 inch dictator, Droolly Malone, Stinky McFartsalot, Buttercup and Sweet Pea. At this rate it will be at the kindergarten role call when she will finally figure out her real name.

She loves to give kisses, which take the form of opening her drooly, teething mouth and rubbing it on your face. They are precious and you feel so special when you get her slobbery present, but it is best if you have a face cloth on hand. I now understand the need for 50 face cloths!

Ellen plays her own version of hide and go seek, she places her head in your chest then looks out into the world and gives out a cry of joy and places her head back into your chest. I love this game.

She prefers showers over baths, loves to sleep with mommy & daddy, hates to be alone, loves her playgroup, loves to look at pictures on the computer, loves her mobile and loves the dogs. She will even give them treats if they sit for her, such a generous girl.

Ellen is a true dream, we are so lucky to have this little girl.

Darch

They blame rapid population growth

It has been so long since I posted and so much has happened. I am going to start with a post I was working on before we left for Ottawa. It is about a heinous crime that occurred a block away from where we live so if you find it hard to read about such things skip this post.

Bones took the dogs out for a walk in the morning and noticed a tented off crime scene area. Listening to the news we found out a woman was murdered. Later that morning a police officer came by to see if we had heard anything. She was found a block and a half away from our house on a person’s lawn.

From the news we found out she was viciously raped and beaten in the outdoor hockey arena in our local park. It is where we have our community spring market, local artists, crafts persons and small business set up booths, there is an antique car exhibition and a calypso band belts out tunes on their steel drums. The neighbourhood kids play on the jungle gym, swings and slides, in the winter they go tobogganing if we are lucky enough to have a snowfall that sticks around for any length of time. After the hockey arena was threatened with being torn down the community rallied to keep it open. This is a community place.

She managed to leave the arena, bloodied and partially clad and make her way down the hill yelling for help. Three households admitted to hearing her but didn’t make any call. This all occurred between 3-5am.

Days later when they released her photo I recognized her. She was one of the local prostitutes who I often saw across the street at the 7-11. She was always getting the largest slurpee going and other sugary sweets while I was caving into my pregnancy craving of Oreo ice cream.

This happened during a week when there were 9 violent incidents and recently there was a car load of people who randomly stabbed 4 people, killing one. How can I raise a child here?

I am absolutely pissed off at my neighbours who heard her cries but did nothing. How loud where her screams to wake someone up when she was outside and they were inside? One excuse given, his property was where she was found, thought that it wouldn’t do any good to call 911 as he didn’t know where the cries were coming from. WHAT??? 911 – this is my address – I am hearing a woman screaming, ‘HELP ME’, (he did hear the words clearly), - not sure where the cries are coming from. How effing hard is that!

Some people believe she was a prostitute so it is separate, this isn’t really going to affect us, well I am affected. It really could have been anyone, I have been propositioned before. What if I was out walking Cody, he often whines to go out for a pee in the middle of the night.

It seems so easy for some to dismiss this occurrence because she was a prostitute, it doesn’t matter, she didn’t deserve it. Period.

Darch

She’s Here – The Labour

After a week of Severe Restricted Activity where I was checked in on repeatedly by the Antenatal Community Care Program to monitor my blood pressure and being sent back and forth to the hospital the decision was made to induce. The decision was made on a Friday, Sunday July 15th the appointment was made. My mom flew out on Friday evening. It looked like everything was in place.

Sunday came and my blood pressures were high so off the hospital, before my appointment, and I received the suppository that would soften the cervix and hopefully start labour, early. Wow, I had such severe cramps that I didn’t sleep at all that night. The next morning I was checked and not dilated. So we tried again. Went home made some calls, paid some bills, the cramping got worse.

While talking to my sister-in-law I was in so much pain I had to get off the phone. Walked around a bit thinking that would ease the cramping but it didn’t, at this point I could barely take it anymore and thought I should go back to the hospital. While there it got more and more intense, I thought this was severe cramping, when I was finally checked, I was 3cm dilated. WHOA....I was in labour!?!?!?! How did that happen????

Within hours I dilated 3cm, hours later I dilated another 3, for those who are unfamiliar with induction, it is like running a marathon without the training. Pregnancy is an amazing thing, your body trains, Braxton-Hicks contractions, and will get your body prepared for labour, it may take days to weeks to dilate to 3cm, for example. Needless to say I was in so much pain I was screaming for drugs and became really disassociated with my body and even my baby.

I was stuck in Maternity Triage waiting for a labouring room so they gave me some morphine, it only took the edge off. I had little time between contractions to gain control, mostly I was out of control. Finally I got a labouring room, now the challenge would be staying still while getting the epidural. I had 4 contractions while the epidural was being administered. Thankfully the nurse was in my face like a drill sgt keeping me breathing and she had a firm grip on my arms.

The epidural was heavenly, I couldn’t feel a thing, labour was slowed down but that was a good thing, by that time I hadn’t slept for 40 hours so thought I could get some shut eye. Nope, I was too excited. By 7am Tuesday morning I was 9cm, still no sleep, 9am, fully dilated, still no sleep. Decided to wait a bit and let my contractions to push down the baby a bit. Plus I laid off the epidural, (I was in control of the drugs), so that I could feel the need to push.

At this point I was nervous, a bit dizzy and thinking, ‘holy crap I am going to have a baby?!?!?!’.

Around 10am I began to push. The first bit was great, then my left butt and lower back began to hurt. Thought I had pulled something. With each push it hurt more. Tried to readjust but nothing would ease. At this point the baby pooped and everything changed. She needed to come out now and I got a bit panicked, the discomfort turned to pain and I began to lose control.

As she was crowning there is a pain the nurse called the ring of fire, (not the ring of fire I usually associated with eating too many hot wings the night before if you get my drift), at this point I had to hold. The nurse here was amazing she was in my face helping me keep focus. This was horrendous pain, actually shouted out repeatedly that I couldn’t do this. All I could think in my head was, ‘she has to come out now’ and ‘I will never be able to have a second’. Then the pain eased, (I had torn), one final push and she was out. Feeling here come out was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. Total euphoria. She cried right away.

I can do this again.

Because she pooped she was taken to be looked at to make sure she didn’t aspirate anything. I couldn’t see her. All I could picture was her ultrasound photo where she looked like she had long legs so I asked, ‘Does she have legs?’. All the medical staff looked at me strangely, the doctor looked up from stitching me up, and laughed. At that point I realized what I had said and explained myself.

Bones was amazing throughout, there is no way I would have been able to get through it without him.

This experience taught me a lot about pain. Hopefully these lessons will remain in my memory if I ever am lucky enough to go through this again.

My daughter was born 10:57am July 17th, 6lbs 2oz, 19 inches.

She’s here, she’s beautiful, she’s perfect my little Ellen Dianne.

Darch

Here we go again!

So it would appear that when I begin to breath a little easier all of the sudden I am thrown for a loop.

I am in the hospital. Went to my 36 week prenatal appointment yesterday and my blood pressure was 132/98, I was sent straight to the hospital. Getting into the car and driving there I was a bit of a robot thinking they are just going to do some tests and I would be on my way. I mean I had a Stampede Lunch to go to, (will eventually write a post on Stampede in Calgary, it is truly an experience!). As soon as I got to the triage desk, I started crying. As much as I wanted to meet the wee one, I want her to stay in to term.

Once I got a room in triage they had me hooked up to a fetal monitor. Thankfully this little girl is so active that I haven’t been too worried about her health. I also got hooked up to a blood pressure monitor that automatically checked my bp every 15 minutes. It when down for a bit but started rising again. The doctor looking after me wanted to induce.

After consulting the senior OB/GYN the decision was to do a 24 hour urine, (to check for protein in the urine), and to monitor my bp every 4 hours. My bp is still high. Today at 4pm the 24 hour urine ends and shortly after that I will find out what will happen.

So far these are the plans:

- If the urine comes back with too much protein, induce.

- If my bp is still high but urine ok, induce on Tuesday, (I will be 37 weeks and the baby will be considered term at that point).

- If my bp stabilizes, I will be at home on modified bed rest with a nurse coming by daily to check my bp and monitor the wee one. This is most likely what will occur.

All I know for sure at this point is there is no more work for me, which is distressing in itself as there are a few loose ends I would have preferred to tie up before leaving, and I am filled with mixed emotions. As much as I don’t want to have my baby now, I am so excited to meet her. Bones and I had some giggley bonding time as we contemplated being induced. I was excited and ready to go by the time the plug was pulled on that plan.

I did manage to head out for a walk today. The hospital is along a reservoir, check out the pic, so there is a nice path and I got to pet some pooches who were out for walks. Wish I thought of having my dogs meet me out there for a visit when Bones dropped by this morning.

Update: Had to stay a 2nd night, Bones brought the dogs, (that is me doing my best Jabba the Hutt impression, look at happy Cody), for a visit. I will be heading home with a nurse coming by everyday to make sure everything is still hunky dory.

Darch

36 down 4 to go!

So the excitement is mounting. Every time I think, this has to be a peak, there is no where left to go on the Excitement-Meter, I somehow do. I will try my best to write without the over-use of exclamation marks but please be patient with me if I don’t succeed.

Nearly peed my pants again, Bones & I were joking about something and of course he got me laughing – hard – thankfully I just gone to the bathroom so it was only a dribble. But that set the stage for later that night when we had friends over for dinner and the goal was to get me laughing hard enough that I would pee myself. I kept my dour expression and it didn’t work. How do I keep any semblance of dignity when so many are conspiring against me?!

Sunday we went out for breakfast and in this tiny little eatery, it seats about 30 max. What do you know but there were 3 hugely pregnant women there, including me. Well one of the women was in labour and I guess it was progressing a bit quicker than expected as they rushed out of there forgetting their jackets. Thankfully it was a neighbourhood restaurant and one of the other patrons knew them, she was the one who spilled the beans that her friend had gone into labour. I got quite weepy.

Last night was the last of my prenatal classes. I must say that most of what we learned was common sense, even so that classes have made me feel more prepared and confident. Again I left thinking, ‘ok I want to have my baby now!’

Just to let people know my home internet is down, haven’t had a chance yet to get it up and running so there may be a delay in returning emails or moderating comments. I do have internet at work but for some reason they appreciate it when I am working while at work – go figure.

Darch

Some days everything is just great!

Everything seems to have settled down in the House of Darch & Bones, here is a quick bullet form update:

- Cody is better, his cortisol levels are normal, at the moment, so now he gets ‘poisoned’ twice a week to keep his levels under control. He is back to his normal annoying self, he is a terrier and it is just part of living with a terrier, love him dearly for all that personality but man there are times he can annoy me to no end.

- I can actually DO stuff without pain and not feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest! This is not only good for my sanity but that of Bones as well. I am not so snippy, (I wasn’t frustrating with him, frustrated that I needed so much help to do really basic things like get up off the couch, yes I got stuck twice and don’t want to discuss it any further but feel free to tease), anymore.

- I have somehow achieved the miracle of only having the quilting paraphernalia in 3 areas of the house, hoping to have it down to 2 by the end of the weekend but I am not sure if I have enough karma points to pull that off!

- We have the change table area all set up with diapers washed and ready to go, a garden & bug inspired mobile above the change table, all conveniently located beside the toilet.

- All of Ellen’s clothes, bedding and bathing stuff has been washed and put away in her dresser, I have finished 2 quilts for her, have another 2 on the go, and another 3 in the planning stages, she is going to be one warm & padded baby.

- And just to clarify, Bones is not taking figure-skating lessons, I was hoping if I tell outlandish lies about him he would update you all on how he is doing as opposed to me letting you know. In reality Bones DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SKATE!!!! I still don’t know how any Canadian grows up not knowing how to skate, what is even more surprising is that he grew up in Ottawa. Ottawa, home of the longest outdoor skating rink in the world, where every year during Winterlude, (a winter festival on the Rideau Canal, for those who don’t know), there were school trips to go skating along the canal. Sometimes the truth is more outlandish than the lies.

- Bones is doing well, he is really excited. Won’t be running too much this year, injured his Achilles and it has taken a while to recover. His 2 hiking buddies are going through divorces so he figures if he has to listen to them discuss the divorces all the time he is not going to feel too guilty about all the baby talk.

- Bones & I will be missing our friends at the 13th Annual Canada Party, this year with the added bonus of moose meat. It was 7 years ago at that very Canada Party that Bones & I threw caution to the wind and decided to have a wee fling, (we have known each other since I was 16 and he was 20, we worked at the Elgin theatre and were friends with many of the people who worked there but we didn’t really notice each other until I was 27, he crashed my 27th birthday party with his girlfriend at the time. I thought he was truly amazing but I am no man stealing ho and he lived in Edmonton, but the following year, at the Canada Day Party, he was single….). He was living in Edmonton at the time and I was about to end a relationship with someone, so it wasn’t like we thought it would be anything more than a wee fling. We were smitten. A month later we met up in Calgary, had some job interviews, looked for apartments, a month after that we were living in Calgary. A year later married. Needless to say, that Canada Day Party holds a special spot in our hearts, that and we miss our friends too.

Today has been a really great day.

Darch

Today is ma birthday!

So 35 years ago was the very best day of life, I was born, (it should be the best day for everyone who has had the pleasure of meeting me but apparently I am mistaken in this assumption). I have always celebrated the anniversary of this event with abandon, often lasting for days. Never really viewed it as getting older, more that none of the fabulous things that I have experienced would have happened without this day having occurred.

This year my celebration will be on the sober side, no swigging tequila straight from the bottle while sitting around a bonfire like at my 30th birthday, (have I ever mentioned what a classy chick I truly am!), my abandon might take the form of an extra piece of cake with all that sugar and caffeine and it might just last for today. No matter, there is something else happening that is more important than a week of drunken debauchery. I AM HAVING A BABY!!!! That is the very BEST gift in the world!

Speaking of having babies, there was a wee baby, only 4 days old at our prenatal class last night. He was born at 35 weeks and a few days, 6lbs 11 ounces. He was just precious and it was so difficult for the rest of us to pay attention to class. He was so good, slept mostly, every now and again let out some noises for a bit and went back to sleep.

Next week is the last class and I am really going to miss it, thinking we should have taken the extended classes. I am enjoying the company of the first time almost moms. There is another woman in the class who also struggled with achieving and maintaining her pregnancy so we have bonded a bit. I also find that it gives me a solid 2 hours a week where I focus solely on arrival of the wee pea, no thinking of what needs to be done, no thinking of work, chores, no distractions. Just Bones and I sharing this time, getting excited about our expanding family.

Darch

The honeymoon is over…

…I am not talking about in the marriage, that was over a while ago, we seemed to be firmly entrenched in the it is really too easy to take each other for granted so we try hard not to but it doesn’t always turn out that way phase.

I am talking about the pregnancy. These past couple of weeks I think I have been denying the inevitable, things are not going as smoothly as before.

This pregnancy hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park but it hasn’t been difficult either. I got 18 quilts finished, can you believe it –18. Crazy! I never got really sick, just a bit queasy here and there and had some food aversions. Somehow I managed to weed my garden, plant my pots and it all looks stunning or at least to me. I am a daisy, brown eyed susan and poppy fanatic so if you like those flowers, you too will love my garden. It is so casual and colourful, plus it blooms all season, but I digress…the only thing that has been really difficult has been the headaches or should I say migraines and they have been really bad. All and all though, I’ve had it pretty easy.

Well the tides have changed. I am in pain. A lot of pain. I am alright while sitting or lying down, going between sitting and lying down not so much. Anything in the upright position, really painful and walking has me counting in my head as a distraction from the pain. My walking seems to have caused no end of amusement for others though, at least there is a positive?!?! The pain is all normal, for this pregnancy anyway, she is making her way down and causing quite a commotion while doing so.

The worrisome aspect is my blood pressure. Yesterday it was 140/90, I felt like total crap all day, moody, nauseas, hot/cold sweats, this morning 136/92, not feeling as bad. Had some blood tests run, will find out the results tomorrow. Should I feel the way I did yesterday again I am to head straight to the hospital. If the blood pressure doesn’t come down I will be permanently off work, if it still doesn’t come down they will induce me early. I guess my body is not the hospitable home it once was for my wee pea. My next appointment is on Tuesday.

Now I long for the days where all I had to worry about was whether or not I was going to pee my pants…..it only happened once but man it was really freeing!

Darch

Gas & Oil Expo had a visit from the Yes Men

And boy do I feel all giddy inside!

The Yes Men, if you don’t already know, are globalization activists, they are against globalization just to clarify. To really boil down into an over-simplified version, their message would be that in the way globalization is being used by most corporations, it is just another form of slave labour, stealing natural resources using methodologies that would not be tolerated in their home country and the taking of these resources to an extent that drastically undermines or kills the environmental health of a region. Honestly I couldn’t agree more with them.

Needless to say these past few days watching the Yes Men on TV has made me a little star struck *sigh*

In Calgary they claimed they were members of the Natural Petroleum Council, advisors to the White House on oil & gas issues. The expectation is that they would announce findings on a joint US-Canadian energy policy. Instead they got to hear about how due to impending global disasters that would adversely affect the oil supply, we could supplement it buy transforming all those who died into oil. They even lit candles claiming to be “Vivoleum”, people, or specifically a poor Exxon janitor who died from cleaning a toxic spill. It wasn’t until a video was shown of the janitor talking about how he wanted to be made into candles when he died, that the guys were taken off stage.

In the end they were each fined about $300.00.

If you haven’t checked out their documentary I would recommend it. In fact if you are interested in anti-globalization/corporation documentaries the following are some real eye-openers:

The Corporation – high production value and really easy to watch, listened to a follow-up interview on the CBC of the guy who owns the carpet company, he was looking to use more sustainable technology to manufacture his carpets and he is on target and has found that the although the initial investment was high he was able to recoup costs in a shorter timeframe than expected.

The Yes Men – medium production value, still really easy to watch. Here they are ‘representing’ the WTO, watch their shenanigans that are both disturbing and roll on your ass funny but you just can’t believe that people are taking in what they are saying, especially at the textile event.

Darwin’s Nightmare – low production value, can be difficult to watch but it is utterly interesting. Be prepared to be thoroughly disturbed, it really touches in a very personal way, the loss of humanity that can so be easily tossed aside when making corporate decisions. This is a very honest portrayal of the influence of Western Society’s need for fish and devastation it causes a region in Africa. I do warn you though it is very disturbing, had me crying for quite awhile.

Who Killed the Electric Car – Good production value, easy to watch. Just leaves your shaking your head.

Almost anything by Noam Chomsky, this is one brilliant man who can easily explain complex situations in simple terms. I must confess I have a HUGE brain crush on this guy, have since I watched Manufacturing Consent, (not to be mistaken with Manufacturing Dissent, a documentary showcasing the manipulative tactics used by Michael Moore).

I know there are others but they just aren’t coming to my mind at the moment. We watch a lot of documentaries about a variety of subjects. One way to exercise our minds as we chug along with the day-to-day, and believe me we do, Bones and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on topics and you always have to take into consideration the source. I would not expect unbiased commentary by Ann Coulter or Michael Moore but they sure interesting to watch!

Darch

This 'n' That

Here is a quick rundown on the happenings within the house of Darch & Bones:

- Cody is not does not have blood in his urine anymore! Start his meds for Cushing’s this upcoming Saturday.

- I had contractions yesterday, fine today, on bed rest and working from home. Thankfully the little one has been extremely active, the reassurance has helped to keep me calm.

- Saturday I got most of my gardening done, have to take some photos but for now I am stuck in bed.

- Putting our house hunting in Nanaimo on hold until the fall, too much on our plate right now.

- Can’t get enough Oreo ice cream or asparagus & cheese ravioli. Good thing there are prenatal vitamins!

- Bones is absolutely loving his figure skating classes, not only can he now skate backwards and use the pick to stop, he can do some lovely turns. He is hoping that Blades of Glory will bring legitimacy to male figure skating.

I have to get out of bed to have lunch now, asparagus ravioli sounds about right!
Darch

My romantic evening....

Tonight was our first prenatal class and I fell a little bit more in love in Bones.

One of the exercises the instructor got the partners to do was to make a list about their biggest concerns during labour and delivery. So I asked him Bones what his concern was. Bones doesn’t want say something completely insensitive and that will be the one thing I hear, (it isn’t that he is an ass or anything, his sarcasm can sometimes lean in the inappropriate direction). He was serious, it is a real concern. My heart melted.

So I capped off the evening with a 30 second fart in the car and while attempting to ask Bones if he heard it between squeals of uncontrollable laughter I started to pee my pants. Bones kept yelling, ‘stop!’, which only made me laugh harder. I really did try to hold it in but the laughter, shock and shear ridiculousness of the situation seemed to make it impossible....

Bones, my knight in shining armour, ran to the house to get me a jacket to wrap around me so I could get into the house with minimal embarrassment. While running to the house I was still laughing so hard that I started snorting, I don’t normally snort when I laugh. Bones starts yelling, ‘dead puppies’. Again it only made me laugh harder, thankfully there was nothing left in my bladder....

Looks like regular Kegels workout will part of my future!

...and they say romance is dead. Love you babe,

Darch

Changes.....part 1

There are just things you go through in life that change you, makes you re-evaluate your priorities, goals, the type of person you wish to be and who you want to surround yourself with. I am knee deep in the middle of one of these changes.

One of the hardest things I have gone through these past 7 years living in Calgary is being away from family and friends. So much has happened that I have missed. I haven’t been there for the celebrations, cries on the shoulder or just the day-to-day.

In this time a great friend of mine came out. Another close friend found the woman of his dreams and Bones & I barely know her, (and I am sure she is as great as she seems during the short visits back to Ottawa), plus she just had a baby and how cool it would be if we were on maternity leave together. A close friend has been dealing with her mother having cancer. One friend gave his brother, who is also a friend, a kidney. One of our friend’s little girls are big girls now. Friends went through a separation, not sure if they are divorced but you see we are way out of the loop. These are friends that I have known for a while, some for over half my life, I miss them. It isn’t like we sit down and have deep conversations or anything, we are just part of each other’s lives, we know our idiosyncrasies and accept each other despite them, we can even tease each other about them. I really miss them, did I mention that?

Then there is family. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise, I took teenage angst to a whole new level. I had some stuff I was working out and didn’t open up to anyone so it came out it in anger, avoidance by way of heavy pot use and other self destructive tendencies. For a long time my parents, who are both brilliant people that I should have listened to, trusted enough to open up to and am damn lucky they never gave up on me, couldn’t say anything right. Fortunately I did have close relationships with their siblings and parents and for some reason I was able to listen or take guidance from them. I can look to each of my uncles, aunts and grandparents and attribute a life lesson or part of who I have become to them. Now I feel so disconnected from them, like I am an outsider in my own family. As much as we try to stay in touch and get together when Bones and I get back to Ottawa every year, it isn’t the same. My cousins are adults now, it is so freaky, I think of most of them as children, but they are all adults now.

Every time I head back to Ottawa I visit my Grandma & Grandpa Darch, and every time I leave after the visit I cry, partially because I think this may be the last time I see them, partially because I just miss them so much. My Grandma has Alzheimer’s and each time I leave I think how much of my Grandma will be left for the next visit, if I am lucky enough to have a next visit.

One of my uncles has AIDS, again I never know if this visit will be the last time I see him. He is just a neat individual, there is truly no one like him anywhere. There is a lot of strength in him but also a vulnerability. He lives his life so unapologetically himself, he is a rather flamboyant queer on heavy duty drugs, lets just say that he can sometimes be a little graphic about his lifestyle or his illness at times. But at the same time you can’t help but see his struggle to simple exist each day. Even before the AIDS took hold he struggled, then it was for acceptance for who he is. When I need to find some inner strength it is him that I think of.

My mother also lost her last parent. I wasn’t there. I distanced myself as I felt awful about not being there. She told me some of the stories of trying to settle his estate and such after the fact and all I could think of was that I wasn’t there. I don’t expect that she would have opened up to me as she believes in not giving your children your own emotional baggage so to speak. I could have taken her out for brunch, gone over to watch movies, walked the dogs together, I could have just been there.

During this time I dealt with infertility and finally a successful pregnancy *knock on wood*. Sure there has been crying, bitching, squeals of excitement and joy on the phone, but in the end it isn’t the same as going out for beers with friends after a failed cycle to just be around people who care about you, or shopping for baby stuff with my mom, my father won’t have seen my baby belly at all.

I guess it is the old not appreciating what you have until it is gone situation.

There is nothing I can do about the past, I am not crying over spilt milk about it. It is just something I am thinking about a lot these days, mostly because I have a child coming and it is making me re-evaluate…well everything.

Darch

How my heart breaks when a poopie is sick

Bones rounded up the poopies and brought them to the vet last Friday. Sam had 2 lumps tested, and Cody, well Cody has had a slew of issues lately.

Cody has been losing hair around his butt, his regular breathing has sounded like an old man snoring, he has been drinking tons of water, having accidents in the house and lastly has gained weight. We thought it was diabetes, the vet felt like it was hypothyroidism, the tests came back as Cushing’s. Now I feel really guilty every time I got irritated when Cody had an accident. He also has a urinary tract infection, which he will be more susceptible to because of the Cushing’s.

Cushing’s is an increase in cortisol levels within the bloodstream. Normally the hypothalamus directs the pituitary glad to produce ACTH, (a hormone), that will stimulate the adrenal gland to secrete cortisol into the bloodstream. Once the cortisol levels are high enough, the pituitary stops secreting ACTH. With Cushing’s this delicate balance of hormone stimulation doesn’t work properly.

For our little guy the cause would either be a tumour in the pituitary gland, causing more ACTH being produced than necessary or a tumour in an adrenal gland, causing the adrenal gland to over produce cortisol. It is relatively common and often mistaken as the normal aging process due to how the symptoms of Cushing’s manifest itself.

Now little Cody will have to go the vet to get further tests done. He will have to stay there for the day. The poor guy, we can’t even explain to him what is going on, plus he won’t have the girls. Cody is a nervous dog with separation issues, having the girls around keeps his anxieties at bay.

Hopefully we have caught it soon enough that he will just need hormone therapy, otherwise they use radiation to try and kill a part of the adrenal gland. Either way we will try hormone therapy first to see if that makes a difference before doing anything like radiation. I am not so keen on the radiation idea, I will have to research it and talk to the vet a lot before feeling fully comfortable with deciding for or against it. Then again it isn’t really my decision, Cody is Bones’ dog.

Jack & Sam are happy & healthy, Sam's lumps are just fat deposits and despite Cody’s condition, he is a pretty happy dog.

Darch

A measure of time

I have waited so long to have a pregnancy to stick around, now it feels so long until I get to meet this wee pea, somewhere along the line I have started measuring time in increments of can’t wait untils.

It started off innocently enough, can’t wait until my period is over, can’t wait until I detect my LH surge, can’t wait until I get my period, (that is if that cycle was a bust), can’t wait until I see the fertility doctor, can’t wait until I start meds, can’t wait until the next ultrasound, how many follicles will there be, eventually my life was defined, not in weeks or days but the next can’t wait until. It wasn’t all conception and fertility related, there were the can’t wait until we go to Ottawa, can’t wait until so and so visits etc.

Each time a can’t wait until passes there is a momentary let down as the build-up to next event begins. Bipolar time management I guess. The thing is when you look back it almost feels like wishing your life away between events.

This month has been filled with great can’t wait untils. My mom came to visit, I went to a quilt retreat, Bones’ sister came down this past weekend from Edmonton, and this weekend I am off to Vancouver to visit my sister. All a lead up to the ultimate Can’t Wait Until, can’t wait until I meet Ellen.

But I can’t help wonder if I am not missing something, a little something called the moment perhaps?

Darch

Quick update on Bones.....

The quilt shown here is Comfy Lap Quilt, it is the first quilt I have made Bones, finished it a few weeks ago. I guess I just think of all of the quilts as ours but apparently he did not so this one is his. I purchased the fabric squares a year ago at a quilt show, they were just small charm squares of the entire fabric line. I put them together and ordered some extra fabrics for the border and a soft brushed cotton plaid for the backing. It is quite subdued for my tastes but Bones likes it and now he has a comfy quilt to keep him warm on these cold April nights, (it is freaking winter here no word of a lie, mid-April with snowfall warnings!).

I do swear that when I set up this little blog Bones said he would post every now and again. He even sounded quite interested in doing so but alas he has remained mum and so now it is up to me to give you a low down on the life of Bones. Just remember this is through the Darch filter so there is no guarantee of accuracy…maybe if I make up outlandish lies he will at least comment?

Bones is doing great, for the most part that is. He is tired most days. Quite frankly dealing with a pregnant lady who has can’t speak properly, has forgotten how to dress, can’t find anything and late evening speaks in a nails-on-the-chalkboard type whine, hasn’t helped. To his friends and family, give him a kind word when you speak or email him next. There seems to be so much support for the pregnant one out there that the partner can sometimes be left in the wings and he is doing a ton to support me as well as keeping the household from falling apart, especially now that The Quilt Factory is in full swing.

He is running and is starting to sign-up for the runs he will participate in this race season. I will join him in a couple where there is a 5k option, my run 10 minutes, walk 1 routine will be replaced by the waddle, wheeze and sit routine. He’ll be participating in his 5th marathon this July, hopefully I can watch him finish as opposed to a friend being there to whiz him off to the hospital to join me.

He is really excited about the baby. He will be an excellent father, and I am not just saying that because I chose to breed with him or trying to score points with the in-laws. It wasn’t until after we were married that I saw him around children. He is definitely a rough and tumble playmate to the neighbour’s children. In fact the older boy, he is 5, occasionally comes over to ‘help’ Steve walk the dogs, not too sure how much help he truly is but they both enjoy it. When I go over to visit I get the ol’, “where’s Steve?”, question, way to make a girl feel welcome!

Bones doesn’t want to be known as Bones anymore on the blog. Instead something like Stan the Man. For those who don’t know him, Bones is the first 5, out of 13, characters of his last name. His first name is not Stan, but he is a man so I guess that relates to him somewhat. Personally I don’t care except that Stan the Man is so much more to type than Bones. But seeing as we don’t have cable, (limited access to sports viewing) and he lives in a quilter’s dream house, I think I should cave to this latest whim of his. What do you think?

Oh ya and he has taken up ice skating to fulfill his life-long dream of Figure Skating!

Darch