A spot of pink changes everything!

This afternoon when I wiped there was a little pink spot, could it be implantation spotting???? Hope not because I had a few beers watching the Super Bowl yesterday, that was how sure I was that there is no way that I could be pregnant. But now with this little spot of pink, a bit of wonder has set in *sigh* and the roller-coaster begins.

Ellen is lying next to me sleeping, she is cute as a button, just thought you would like to know.

Darch

And the 2 week wait begins....

It seems a little odd to think about it really. I don’t think I am going to get pregnant this cycle. I don’t think I am going to get pregnant without assistance. Today I didn’t think about it at all until I ordered a coffee then realized I have to be off the caffeine, I drank it anyway. Now I am blogging about it and I don’t have that much to say. There is no belief in success and there is no anger or frustration about impending failure. So really there is nothing interesting at all.

In other news......

I am teaching myself how to knit socks, it is going well, easier than I thought but for some reason I am knitting them inside out. I will post a photo when I am done, they are an earthy coloured wool and bamboo blend, quite lovely I think.

Ellen has a nasty bum and it is too cold for her to have some diaper free time, I have taken her off solids and hopefully the nastiness will calm down.

It is freaking cold here in Calgary so we have been house bound. Both Ellen and I are going a little stir crazy, hoping that tomorrow we can get out for a walk, it will be a balmy -23 (celsius).

Everything is well in the House of Darch & Bones, just a tad on the boring side.

Darch

Appointments & Exhaustion!

Well the appointment with the RE went really well. We showed off some Ellen pictures, bragged about how great Ellen is and he seemed genuinely pleased for us.

So now I have to wait for my next cd1, call the clinic to get my HSG scheduled, fun. Last time was horrible, I actually cried, not bawl my eyes out cry but that quiet cry where the tears were just streaming down. The dr kept reassuring me this was just to get one step closer to having a baby, I knew that but for some reason I needed that emotional release. So needless to say I am not looking forward to the next one. I am hoping last time was a release of all the frustrations I had felt trying to have a child and this time it will be easier on me.

I have cd3 blood work to check my base hormone levels, cd21 & cd28 blood work to see if I have ovulated and what my progesterone levels are. I will also have an abdominal ultrasound, yahoo I have missed the dildo-cam! (yes that is sarcasm)

After all the testing is done we visit with the RE and start the hormone suppression, injections, dildo-cam sessions and turkey basting. *sigh*

Thing is I have so much sh*t going on in my life, mostly to do with a family member and some of my family reads this so I am not going to name names but I am going to say, can’t we all just get along and quit the power struggles and just because I refuse to play the game, doesn’t mean I don’t care, ahh but I digress, I am tired, exhausted in fact and you need energy, drive, determination to go through treatments. Right now I feel like I save everything positive for Ellen and I really don’t think it is fair to deprive her if I don’t have the strength to go through it all at the moment. Then I have to remind myself, I may be in a completely different place in a couple of months.

Right now I really need something to be easy but am I even in a head space to recognize when something is easy, it just seems that every little thing is a struggle at the moment. I am just worn out, physically, emotionally, I am just worn out.

Darch

On to the next...

So my next appointment at the Fertility Clinic is on January 18th. Not sure what the appointment will yield. It maybe that I am put back on the wait list and we get started with all the preliminary testing or maybe we can start right away.

Ellen will be 6 months and 1 day. My emotions are very mixed. I definitely want more children and I definitely want more time with just Ellen. But with my old and crusty eggs I have to get a move on.

Darch

ps Life will Ellen is still amazing!

4 Months – Life with Ellen

Simply wonderful.

She is a dream. Bones and I can’t believe how lucky we are with her. We are both so in love. Some people say that having a child can drift the parents apart, for us it has brought us closer. Bones & I are quite stubborn people so working together is somewhat of a challenge, with Ellen we are on the same page even when we disagree.

Breastfeeding has just not worked out for us. When she was born my breasts were too big for her mouth, so I pumped and tried to use a shield. That worked, my milk production went up then it came crashing down. So I tried some milk producing teas, and pumped like mad, got my milk production back up, got her off the shield and felt like the natural mama I wanted to be. I had a few weeks of breastfeeding bliss when my production once again went down. On to the pills, my production came back but Ellen was frustrated with the boob by this point so I pumped, once again I dried up. At this point I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was rejection like I had never felt before having her scream at the boob and each time I dried up I felt it was a personal failure.

My lowest point as a mom sounded something like this, ‘ I couldn’t get pregnant on my own, then my body wasn’t a good home for her anymore so I had to be induced, now I can’t even feed her’, said with the crying of a mom who is exhausted and feeling very guilty.

Thankfully I was able to move on, she is such a terrific baby and some of that has to do with my parenting.....right?!?

This little girl hates her car seat, hates her stroller so we carry her. This has brought on a carrier obsession. I have a stretchy wrap, great for when she was a newborn as it pulled her in so close, a pouch sling for the pool, a ring sling for when I am running errands and I loved Bones’ Mei Tai carrier so much that I ordered one for myself. My shoe obsession has been successfully transferred! Ellen loves being worn around.

In 4 months she has grown 5.5 inches and gained 7lbs 4oz, 2 teeth are coming in, she has been on a plane, gone on a long road trip, been to a wine tasting, (unfortunately there was not milk tastings going on for her), and fed a giraffe. She has taken all of this in stride.

Ellen has a few nicknames, Gussy Fussbucket for those days she decides that laid back is not the way to go, the 24 inch dictator, Droolly Malone, Stinky McFartsalot, Buttercup and Sweet Pea. At this rate it will be at the kindergarten role call when she will finally figure out her real name.

She loves to give kisses, which take the form of opening her drooly, teething mouth and rubbing it on your face. They are precious and you feel so special when you get her slobbery present, but it is best if you have a face cloth on hand. I now understand the need for 50 face cloths!

Ellen plays her own version of hide and go seek, she places her head in your chest then looks out into the world and gives out a cry of joy and places her head back into your chest. I love this game.

She prefers showers over baths, loves to sleep with mommy & daddy, hates to be alone, loves her playgroup, loves to look at pictures on the computer, loves her mobile and loves the dogs. She will even give them treats if they sit for her, such a generous girl.

Ellen is a true dream, we are so lucky to have this little girl.

Darch

Nipple confusion of a different sort.

Really early this morning Ellen didn’t want to be put down in her bassinette so I brought her in bed with me. She cuddled in close, I was on my side facing her, she was on her side facing me when she latched onto my nose. Once asleep she let it go.

These moments are the best.

Darch

She’s Here – The Labour

After a week of Severe Restricted Activity where I was checked in on repeatedly by the Antenatal Community Care Program to monitor my blood pressure and being sent back and forth to the hospital the decision was made to induce. The decision was made on a Friday, Sunday July 15th the appointment was made. My mom flew out on Friday evening. It looked like everything was in place.

Sunday came and my blood pressures were high so off the hospital, before my appointment, and I received the suppository that would soften the cervix and hopefully start labour, early. Wow, I had such severe cramps that I didn’t sleep at all that night. The next morning I was checked and not dilated. So we tried again. Went home made some calls, paid some bills, the cramping got worse.

While talking to my sister-in-law I was in so much pain I had to get off the phone. Walked around a bit thinking that would ease the cramping but it didn’t, at this point I could barely take it anymore and thought I should go back to the hospital. While there it got more and more intense, I thought this was severe cramping, when I was finally checked, I was 3cm dilated. WHOA....I was in labour!?!?!?! How did that happen????

Within hours I dilated 3cm, hours later I dilated another 3, for those who are unfamiliar with induction, it is like running a marathon without the training. Pregnancy is an amazing thing, your body trains, Braxton-Hicks contractions, and will get your body prepared for labour, it may take days to weeks to dilate to 3cm, for example. Needless to say I was in so much pain I was screaming for drugs and became really disassociated with my body and even my baby.

I was stuck in Maternity Triage waiting for a labouring room so they gave me some morphine, it only took the edge off. I had little time between contractions to gain control, mostly I was out of control. Finally I got a labouring room, now the challenge would be staying still while getting the epidural. I had 4 contractions while the epidural was being administered. Thankfully the nurse was in my face like a drill sgt keeping me breathing and she had a firm grip on my arms.

The epidural was heavenly, I couldn’t feel a thing, labour was slowed down but that was a good thing, by that time I hadn’t slept for 40 hours so thought I could get some shut eye. Nope, I was too excited. By 7am Tuesday morning I was 9cm, still no sleep, 9am, fully dilated, still no sleep. Decided to wait a bit and let my contractions to push down the baby a bit. Plus I laid off the epidural, (I was in control of the drugs), so that I could feel the need to push.

At this point I was nervous, a bit dizzy and thinking, ‘holy crap I am going to have a baby?!?!?!’.

Around 10am I began to push. The first bit was great, then my left butt and lower back began to hurt. Thought I had pulled something. With each push it hurt more. Tried to readjust but nothing would ease. At this point the baby pooped and everything changed. She needed to come out now and I got a bit panicked, the discomfort turned to pain and I began to lose control.

As she was crowning there is a pain the nurse called the ring of fire, (not the ring of fire I usually associated with eating too many hot wings the night before if you get my drift), at this point I had to hold. The nurse here was amazing she was in my face helping me keep focus. This was horrendous pain, actually shouted out repeatedly that I couldn’t do this. All I could think in my head was, ‘she has to come out now’ and ‘I will never be able to have a second’. Then the pain eased, (I had torn), one final push and she was out. Feeling here come out was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. Total euphoria. She cried right away.

I can do this again.

Because she pooped she was taken to be looked at to make sure she didn’t aspirate anything. I couldn’t see her. All I could picture was her ultrasound photo where she looked like she had long legs so I asked, ‘Does she have legs?’. All the medical staff looked at me strangely, the doctor looked up from stitching me up, and laughed. At that point I realized what I had said and explained myself.

Bones was amazing throughout, there is no way I would have been able to get through it without him.

This experience taught me a lot about pain. Hopefully these lessons will remain in my memory if I ever am lucky enough to go through this again.

My daughter was born 10:57am July 17th, 6lbs 2oz, 19 inches.

She’s here, she’s beautiful, she’s perfect my little Ellen Dianne.

Darch