It seems a little odd to think about it really. I don’t think I am going to get pregnant this cycle. I don’t think I am going to get pregnant without assistance. Today I didn’t think about it at all until I ordered a coffee then realized I have to be off the caffeine, I drank it anyway. Now I am blogging about it and I don’t have that much to say. There is no belief in success and there is no anger or frustration about impending failure. So really there is nothing interesting at all.
In other news......
I am teaching myself how to knit socks, it is going well, easier than I thought but for some reason I am knitting them inside out. I will post a photo when I am done, they are an earthy coloured wool and bamboo blend, quite lovely I think.
Ellen has a nasty bum and it is too cold for her to have some diaper free time, I have taken her off solids and hopefully the nastiness will calm down.
It is freaking cold here in Calgary so we have been house bound. Both Ellen and I are going a little stir crazy, hoping that tomorrow we can get out for a walk, it will be a balmy -23 (celsius).
Everything is well in the House of Darch & Bones, just a tad on the boring side.
Darch
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Appointments & Exhaustion!
Well the appointment with the RE went really well. We showed off some Ellen pictures, bragged about how great Ellen is and he seemed genuinely pleased for us.
So now I have to wait for my next cd1, call the clinic to get my HSG scheduled, fun. Last time was horrible, I actually cried, not bawl my eyes out cry but that quiet cry where the tears were just streaming down. The dr kept reassuring me this was just to get one step closer to having a baby, I knew that but for some reason I needed that emotional release. So needless to say I am not looking forward to the next one. I am hoping last time was a release of all the frustrations I had felt trying to have a child and this time it will be easier on me.
I have cd3 blood work to check my base hormone levels, cd21 & cd28 blood work to see if I have ovulated and what my progesterone levels are. I will also have an abdominal ultrasound, yahoo I have missed the dildo-cam! (yes that is sarcasm)
After all the testing is done we visit with the RE and start the hormone suppression, injections, dildo-cam sessions and turkey basting. *sigh*
Thing is I have so much sh*t going on in my life, mostly to do with a family member and some of my family reads this so I am not going to name names but I am going to say, can’t we all just get along and quit the power struggles and just because I refuse to play the game, doesn’t mean I don’t care, ahh but I digress, I am tired, exhausted in fact and you need energy, drive, determination to go through treatments. Right now I feel like I save everything positive for Ellen and I really don’t think it is fair to deprive her if I don’t have the strength to go through it all at the moment. Then I have to remind myself, I may be in a completely different place in a couple of months.
Right now I really need something to be easy but am I even in a head space to recognize when something is easy, it just seems that every little thing is a struggle at the moment. I am just worn out, physically, emotionally, I am just worn out.
Darch
So now I have to wait for my next cd1, call the clinic to get my HSG scheduled, fun. Last time was horrible, I actually cried, not bawl my eyes out cry but that quiet cry where the tears were just streaming down. The dr kept reassuring me this was just to get one step closer to having a baby, I knew that but for some reason I needed that emotional release. So needless to say I am not looking forward to the next one. I am hoping last time was a release of all the frustrations I had felt trying to have a child and this time it will be easier on me.
I have cd3 blood work to check my base hormone levels, cd21 & cd28 blood work to see if I have ovulated and what my progesterone levels are. I will also have an abdominal ultrasound, yahoo I have missed the dildo-cam! (yes that is sarcasm)
After all the testing is done we visit with the RE and start the hormone suppression, injections, dildo-cam sessions and turkey basting. *sigh*
Thing is I have so much sh*t going on in my life, mostly to do with a family member and some of my family reads this so I am not going to name names but I am going to say, can’t we all just get along and quit the power struggles and just because I refuse to play the game, doesn’t mean I don’t care, ahh but I digress, I am tired, exhausted in fact and you need energy, drive, determination to go through treatments. Right now I feel like I save everything positive for Ellen and I really don’t think it is fair to deprive her if I don’t have the strength to go through it all at the moment. Then I have to remind myself, I may be in a completely different place in a couple of months.
Right now I really need something to be easy but am I even in a head space to recognize when something is easy, it just seems that every little thing is a struggle at the moment. I am just worn out, physically, emotionally, I am just worn out.
Darch
Monday, January 14, 2008
On to the next...
So my next appointment at the Fertility Clinic is on January 18th. Not sure what the appointment will yield. It maybe that I am put back on the wait list and we get started with all the preliminary testing or maybe we can start right away.
Ellen will be 6 months and 1 day. My emotions are very mixed. I definitely want more children and I definitely want more time with just Ellen. But with my old and crusty eggs I have to get a move on.
Darch
ps Life will Ellen is still amazing!
Ellen will be 6 months and 1 day. My emotions are very mixed. I definitely want more children and I definitely want more time with just Ellen. But with my old and crusty eggs I have to get a move on.
Darch
ps Life will Ellen is still amazing!
Friday, November 16, 2007
4 Months – Life with Ellen
Simply wonderful.
She is a dream. Bones and I can’t believe how lucky we are with her. We are both so in love. Some people say that having a child can drift the parents apart, for us it has brought us closer. Bones & I are quite stubborn people so working together is somewhat of a challenge, with Ellen we are on the same page even when we disagree.
Breastfeeding has just not worked out for us. When she was born my breasts were too big for her mouth, so I pumped and tried to use a shield. That worked, my milk production went up then it
came crashing down. So I tried some milk producing teas, and pumped like mad, got my milk production back up, got her off the shield and felt like the natural mama I wanted to be. I had a few weeks of breastfeeding bliss when my production once again went down. On to the pills, my production came back but Ellen was frustrated with the boob by this point so I pumped, once again I dried up. At this point I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was rejection like I had never felt before having her scream at the boob and each time I dried up I felt it was a personal failure.
My lowest point as a mom sounded something like this, ‘ I couldn’t get pregnant on my own, then my body wasn’t a good home for her anymore so I had to be induced, now I can’t even feed her’, said with the crying of a mom who is exhausted and feeling very guilty.
Thankful
ly I was able to move on, she is such a terrific baby and some of that has to do with my parenting.....right?!?
This little girl hates her car seat, hates her stroller so we carry her. This has brought on a carrier obsession. I have a stretchy wrap, great for when she was a newborn as it pulled her in so close, a pouch sling for the pool, a ring sling for when I am running errands and I loved Bones’ Mei Tai carrier so much that I ordered one for myself. My shoe obsession has been successfully transferred! Ellen loves being worn around.
In 4 months she has grown 5.5 inches and gained 7lbs 4oz, 2 teeth are coming in, she has been on a plane, gone on a long road trip, been to a wine tasting, (unfortunately there was not milk tastings going on for her), and fed a giraffe. She has taken all of this in stride.
Ellen has a few nicknames, Gussy Fussbucket for those days she decides that laid back is not the way to go, the 24 inch dictator, Droolly Malone, Stinky McFartsalot, Buttercup and Sweet Pea. At this rate it will be at the kindergarten role call when she will finally figure out her real name.
She loves to give kisses, which take the form of opening her drooly, teething mouth and rubbing it on your face. They are precious and you feel so special when you get her slobbery present, but it is best if you have a face cloth on
hand. I now understand the need for 50 face cloths!
Ellen plays her own version of hide and go seek, she places her head in your chest then looks out into the world and gives out a cry of joy and places her head back into your chest. I love this game.
She prefers showers over baths, loves to sleep with mommy & daddy, hates to be alone, loves her playgroup, loves to look at pictures on the computer, loves her mobile and loves the dogs. She will even give them treats if they sit for her, such a generous girl.
Ellen is a true dream, we are so lucky to have this little girl.
Darch
She is a dream. Bones and I can’t believe how lucky we are with her. We are both so in love. Some people say that having a child can drift the parents apart, for us it has brought us closer. Bones & I are quite stubborn people so working together is somewhat of a challenge, with Ellen we are on the same page even when we disagree.
Breastfeeding has just not worked out for us. When she was born my breasts were too big for her mouth, so I pumped and tried to use a shield. That worked, my milk production went up then it
came crashing down. So I tried some milk producing teas, and pumped like mad, got my milk production back up, got her off the shield and felt like the natural mama I wanted to be. I had a few weeks of breastfeeding bliss when my production once again went down. On to the pills, my production came back but Ellen was frustrated with the boob by this point so I pumped, once again I dried up. At this point I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was rejection like I had never felt before having her scream at the boob and each time I dried up I felt it was a personal failure.My lowest point as a mom sounded something like this, ‘ I couldn’t get pregnant on my own, then my body wasn’t a good home for her anymore so I had to be induced, now I can’t even feed her’, said with the crying of a mom who is exhausted and feeling very guilty.
Thankful
ly I was able to move on, she is such a terrific baby and some of that has to do with my parenting.....right?!?This little girl hates her car seat, hates her stroller so we carry her. This has brought on a carrier obsession. I have a stretchy wrap, great for when she was a newborn as it pulled her in so close, a pouch sling for the pool, a ring sling for when I am running errands and I loved Bones’ Mei Tai carrier so much that I ordered one for myself. My shoe obsession has been successfully transferred! Ellen loves being worn around.
In 4 months she has grown 5.5 inches and gained 7lbs 4oz, 2 teeth are coming in, she has been on a plane, gone on a long road trip, been to a wine tasting, (unfortunately there was not milk tastings going on for her), and fed a giraffe. She has taken all of this in stride.
Ellen has a few nicknames, Gussy Fussbucket for those days she decides that laid back is not the way to go, the 24 inch dictator, Droolly Malone, Stinky McFartsalot, Buttercup and Sweet Pea. At this rate it will be at the kindergarten role call when she will finally figure out her real name.
She loves to give kisses, which take the form of opening her drooly, teething mouth and rubbing it on your face. They are precious and you feel so special when you get her slobbery present, but it is best if you have a face cloth on
hand. I now understand the need for 50 face cloths!Ellen plays her own version of hide and go seek, she places her head in your chest then looks out into the world and gives out a cry of joy and places her head back into your chest. I love this game.
She prefers showers over baths, loves to sleep with mommy & daddy, hates to be alone, loves her playgroup, loves to look at pictures on the computer, loves her mobile and loves the dogs. She will even give them treats if they sit for her, such a generous girl.
Ellen is a true dream, we are so lucky to have this little girl.
Darch
Monday, September 3, 2007
Nipple confusion of a different sort.
Really early this morning Ellen didn’t want to be put down in her bassinette so I brought her in bed with me. She cuddled in close, I was on my side facing her, she was on her side facing me when she latched onto my nose. Once asleep she let it go.
These moments are the best.
Darch
These moments are the best.
Darch
Friday, August 31, 2007
They blame rapid population growth
It has been so long since I posted and so much has happened. I am going to start with a post I was working on before we left for Ottawa. It is about a heinous crime that occurred a block away from where we live so if you find it hard to read about such things skip this post.
Bones took the dogs out for a walk in the morning and noticed a tented off crime scene area. Listening to the news we found out a woman was murdered. Later that morning a police officer came by to see if we had heard anything. She was found a block and a half away from our house on a person’s lawn.
From the news we found out she was viciously raped and beaten in the outdoor hockey arena in our local park. It is where we have our community spring market, local artists, crafts persons and small business set up booths, there is an antique car exhibition and a calypso band belts out tunes on their steel drums. The neighbourhood kids play on the jungle gym, swings and slides, in the winter they go tobogganing if we are lucky enough to have a snowfall that sticks around for any length of time. After the hockey arena was threatened with being torn down the community rallied to keep it open. This is a community place.
She managed to leave the arena, bloodied and partially clad and make her way down the hill yelling for help. Three households admitted to hearing her but didn’t make any call. This all occurred between 3-5am.
Days later when they released her photo I recognized her. She was one of the local prostitutes who I often saw across the street at the 7-11. She was always getting the largest slurpee going and other sugary sweets while I was caving into my pregnancy craving of Oreo ice cream.
This happened during a week when there were 9 violent incidents and recently there was a car load of people who randomly stabbed 4 people, killing one. How can I raise a child here?
I am absolutely pissed off at my neighbours who heard her cries but did nothing. How loud where her screams to wake someone up when she was outside and they were inside? One excuse given, his property was where she was found, thought that it wouldn’t do any good to call 911 as he didn’t know where the cries were coming from. WHAT??? 911 – this is my address – I am hearing a woman screaming, ‘HELP ME’, (he did hear the words clearly), - not sure where the cries are coming from. How effing hard is that!
Some people believe she was a prostitute so it is separate, this isn’t really going to affect us, well I am affected. It really could have been anyone, I have been propositioned before. What if I was out walking Cody, he often whines to go out for a pee in the middle of the night.
It seems so easy for some to dismiss this occurrence because she was a prostitute, it doesn’t matter, she didn’t deserve it. Period.
Darch
Bones took the dogs out for a walk in the morning and noticed a tented off crime scene area. Listening to the news we found out a woman was murdered. Later that morning a police officer came by to see if we had heard anything. She was found a block and a half away from our house on a person’s lawn.
From the news we found out she was viciously raped and beaten in the outdoor hockey arena in our local park. It is where we have our community spring market, local artists, crafts persons and small business set up booths, there is an antique car exhibition and a calypso band belts out tunes on their steel drums. The neighbourhood kids play on the jungle gym, swings and slides, in the winter they go tobogganing if we are lucky enough to have a snowfall that sticks around for any length of time. After the hockey arena was threatened with being torn down the community rallied to keep it open. This is a community place.
She managed to leave the arena, bloodied and partially clad and make her way down the hill yelling for help. Three households admitted to hearing her but didn’t make any call. This all occurred between 3-5am.
Days later when they released her photo I recognized her. She was one of the local prostitutes who I often saw across the street at the 7-11. She was always getting the largest slurpee going and other sugary sweets while I was caving into my pregnancy craving of Oreo ice cream.
This happened during a week when there were 9 violent incidents and recently there was a car load of people who randomly stabbed 4 people, killing one. How can I raise a child here?
I am absolutely pissed off at my neighbours who heard her cries but did nothing. How loud where her screams to wake someone up when she was outside and they were inside? One excuse given, his property was where she was found, thought that it wouldn’t do any good to call 911 as he didn’t know where the cries were coming from. WHAT??? 911 – this is my address – I am hearing a woman screaming, ‘HELP ME’, (he did hear the words clearly), - not sure where the cries are coming from. How effing hard is that!
Some people believe she was a prostitute so it is separate, this isn’t really going to affect us, well I am affected. It really could have been anyone, I have been propositioned before. What if I was out walking Cody, he often whines to go out for a pee in the middle of the night.
It seems so easy for some to dismiss this occurrence because she was a prostitute, it doesn’t matter, she didn’t deserve it. Period.
Darch
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