Thursday, May 24, 2007

Changes.....part 1

There are just things you go through in life that change you, makes you re-evaluate your priorities, goals, the type of person you wish to be and who you want to surround yourself with. I am knee deep in the middle of one of these changes.

One of the hardest things I have gone through these past 7 years living in Calgary is being away from family and friends. So much has happened that I have missed. I haven’t been there for the celebrations, cries on the shoulder or just the day-to-day.

In this time a great friend of mine came out. Another close friend found the woman of his dreams and Bones & I barely know her, (and I am sure she is as great as she seems during the short visits back to Ottawa), plus she just had a baby and how cool it would be if we were on maternity leave together. A close friend has been dealing with her mother having cancer. One friend gave his brother, who is also a friend, a kidney. One of our friend’s little girls are big girls now. Friends went through a separation, not sure if they are divorced but you see we are way out of the loop. These are friends that I have known for a while, some for over half my life, I miss them. It isn’t like we sit down and have deep conversations or anything, we are just part of each other’s lives, we know our idiosyncrasies and accept each other despite them, we can even tease each other about them. I really miss them, did I mention that?

Then there is family. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise, I took teenage angst to a whole new level. I had some stuff I was working out and didn’t open up to anyone so it came out it in anger, avoidance by way of heavy pot use and other self destructive tendencies. For a long time my parents, who are both brilliant people that I should have listened to, trusted enough to open up to and am damn lucky they never gave up on me, couldn’t say anything right. Fortunately I did have close relationships with their siblings and parents and for some reason I was able to listen or take guidance from them. I can look to each of my uncles, aunts and grandparents and attribute a life lesson or part of who I have become to them. Now I feel so disconnected from them, like I am an outsider in my own family. As much as we try to stay in touch and get together when Bones and I get back to Ottawa every year, it isn’t the same. My cousins are adults now, it is so freaky, I think of most of them as children, but they are all adults now.

Every time I head back to Ottawa I visit my Grandma & Grandpa Darch, and every time I leave after the visit I cry, partially because I think this may be the last time I see them, partially because I just miss them so much. My Grandma has Alzheimer’s and each time I leave I think how much of my Grandma will be left for the next visit, if I am lucky enough to have a next visit.

One of my uncles has AIDS, again I never know if this visit will be the last time I see him. He is just a neat individual, there is truly no one like him anywhere. There is a lot of strength in him but also a vulnerability. He lives his life so unapologetically himself, he is a rather flamboyant queer on heavy duty drugs, lets just say that he can sometimes be a little graphic about his lifestyle or his illness at times. But at the same time you can’t help but see his struggle to simple exist each day. Even before the AIDS took hold he struggled, then it was for acceptance for who he is. When I need to find some inner strength it is him that I think of.

My mother also lost her last parent. I wasn’t there. I distanced myself as I felt awful about not being there. She told me some of the stories of trying to settle his estate and such after the fact and all I could think of was that I wasn’t there. I don’t expect that she would have opened up to me as she believes in not giving your children your own emotional baggage so to speak. I could have taken her out for brunch, gone over to watch movies, walked the dogs together, I could have just been there.

During this time I dealt with infertility and finally a successful pregnancy *knock on wood*. Sure there has been crying, bitching, squeals of excitement and joy on the phone, but in the end it isn’t the same as going out for beers with friends after a failed cycle to just be around people who care about you, or shopping for baby stuff with my mom, my father won’t have seen my baby belly at all.

I guess it is the old not appreciating what you have until it is gone situation.

There is nothing I can do about the past, I am not crying over spilt milk about it. It is just something I am thinking about a lot these days, mostly because I have a child coming and it is making me re-evaluate…well everything.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

There's ever more meaning behind how much a baby will change your life, isn't there?